dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
