Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
