I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
