She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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