I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
