my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
