I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
