she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
