Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
