i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
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