It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
