please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
