Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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