I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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