I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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