I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
