How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
