Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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