Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
