she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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