when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
