I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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