I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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