he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
