Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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