Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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