So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
