Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My ATM looks so different sober.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
