Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
