Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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