Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
