I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
