Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
