Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
