I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
