Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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