So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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