I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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