we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
