My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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