Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
