I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
