What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
