You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Randomize
