If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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