Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
