I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
