I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he thought i was a dude.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
