I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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