Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
