There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
