oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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