I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
