So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
