Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
