you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
