I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
did i walk over a car last night?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
