I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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