drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
