Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
