Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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