You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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