I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
