I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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